Grief and Joy.
Anger and Contentment.
Pleasure and Pain.
Worry and Excitement.
Embarrassment and Pride.
Disappointment and Relief.
Love and Fear.
These emotions give color to life. They give TEXTURE to everything we do. Think of how much art and music and heroic acts are inspired by the whole spectrum of human emotions. Think of your favorite song and the emotions that come up. Think of a rough time in your life, and the emotions that were there. Think of the emotions after you got through it.
I used to think the "UP" emotions were the only good parts to life. Now I think of both comfortable and uncomfortable emotions are two sides to the same coin. I mean, think about it...Would your happiness seem as good, if you didn't have sadness as a reference point? I see it like I see winter and spring. If winter weren't so bitter cold and gray, sometimes I wonder if I'd appreciate the pleasant warmth and greens of spring as much.
I have started to think of my emotions as part of my team, rather than rowdy fans yelling profanities from the stands. Sometimes, when an uncomfortable emotion comes up, I still feel that old conditioned part of me trying to suppress it... "KEEP IT DOWN in the STANDS!" But, when this happens... I try to remind myself to "listen" to the emotion, like it might be a team adviser who noticed that the play I'm calling might need to be tweaked.
0) NOTICE the feeling without "judging" or trying to suppress it. THANK it.
- Just NOTICE it happening.
- Be open & honest that it is there.
- Perhaps even curious and welcoming.
- This is the simplest, yet most crucial step.
1) Sit (or stand) up tall and BREATHE deeply.
- Shoulders back & relaxed.
- Chin level with ground
- Put a slight smile on your face (corners of the mouth, corners of the eyes).
- Deep diaphragm/stomach breathing.
- Sometimes simply changing your physiology allows the emotion to dissolve or reduce.
2) Notice WHERE you feel it on your body. (still breathing)
- I often feel emotions on the "top" of my stomach.
- Sometimes I feel it on the back of my neck & top front of my shoulders.
- Stick with it for a bit. Keep bringing your awareness back to the location of the energy.
- Keep breathing.
3) What LABEL would you put on the emotion if you had to? (still breathing)
- For example:
- Is it more PAST oriented (regret, shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger)?
- Is it more FUTURE oriented (fear, worry, anxiety)?
- A mixture of BOTH?
4) Ask yourself: What MESSAGE do you have for me? Listen for a message. (still breathing)
- Just start scribbling on scratch paper if you have it or talking to yourself.
- See if you can find something positive.
- What might the emotion be saying / telling you?
- Often it will come from:
> some need not being met (present/past related) or
> some fear (future related).
- You'll might sometimes realize that the yearn for the "flip-side" emotions (i.e. feel good ones) are the source of the emotion. For example:
> Self Love (feeling of well being - physical / emotional / security / basic needs taken care of)
> Self Confidence (feeling of confidence/self-assurance / you are able to do what you need)
- Ask the question, even if no answer comes to you. Just asking will help dissolve the emotion.
5) FOCUS on the feel-good emotion for a bit. (still breathing)
- What would it feel like if you had the missing need met, right now? Let yourself pretend for a minute:
A full belly
Someone hugging you
An overflowing bank account
A peaceful drive to work
People being generally nice to you
Whatever NEED that is not being met
This is the SELF-LOVE, nurturing, "mothering" energy inside you.)
- What would it feel like if you were COURAGEOUS and had the FAITH to ACT DESPITE all fears and worries? Let yourself pretend for a minute:
What if you didn't care what everyone thought?
What if you could easily embrace all consequences & make decisions freely?
What if you could take action despite any fears or worries?
What if you were brimming with confidence in yourself?
This is the SELF-CONFIDENCE, protecting, "fathering" energy inside of you.
- Sit and pretend with that emotion for a minute and let it wash over you.
6) Tell the feeling "Thank you (FEELING). You are SAFE with me. I love and appreciate you." "P.S. I give you permission, for next time, to go quickly to the feel-good emotion."
- Say it like a compassionate grandparent might say to a child.
In this way, listening to the emotion allows it to feel useful. These emotions don't get buried, waiting, lurking to strike at you LOUDER at a different, perhaps more inopportune time. Also, you are re-wiring your emotional circuitry to more quickly bring you to the POSITIVE source of your uncomfortable emotions. Thereby, you'll gain more emotional stability and trust, and might even learn a thing or two from your emotional "advisers".
- - - - -
To Recap... this is one effective way I listen to my emotions:
0) NOTICE and THANK the emotion.
1) Stand/Sit up straight & BREATHE.
2) Ask: WHERE is it? (+breathe)
3) LABEL it, if you can. (+breathe)
4) Ask: What is your MESSAGE? (+breathe)
5) Feel the flip side "positive" emotion for a bit. (+breathe)
6) Thank it. Reassure it's safety. Give it permission to fast forward directly to step 5 next time ;).
