You see, for me, this WEB is my primary source of IDEA GENERATION.
In a way, my LEFT-logical brain was beating the crap out of my RIGHT brain for not thinking "logically" or "sequentially" and that has been stopping me for so long.
Since prim/proper LEFTY sought perfect / witty / eloquent communication only, he was stifling RIGHTY whose strengths were in creativity and web-like idea generation. Well, the truth is... it don't matter how good them werds gunna come out, if there ain't no werds TO come out!
So, to actively reconcile these brains, what's a kid to do? Well, my journey started with noticing my emotions.
1) First for me came... FRUSTRATION.
- FRUSTRATION!
- I was FRUSTRATED that I couldn't express myself quickly or get ideas out "in the moment".
- It was only when I walked AWAY from a conversation, that I realized what I wanted to say.
- Not only that, but what I did say came out screwed up... sometimes even OPPOSITE of what I really meant. Dang!
- I had so little wit ... (that is, the ability to make quick / creative / eloquent / funny comments) and it FRUSTRATED me even more when others were so quick on the draw.
- I often stayed quiet, especially in arguments or heated discussions, rather than defend myself, and sometimes when I did say something impulsively ... it seemed to come out so wrong or backwards... only adding to my frustration.
2) Then came DEFIANCE and RESIGNATION.
- If I can't say anything good / right... I'll just not say anything at all! (Arms crossed. Think stubborn young kid.)
- Just QUITTING arguments or discussions all together and walking away. I would simply leaving in the middle of a conversation and continuing to beat myself up afterwords for doing so.
- Being defiantly ALOOF. (Which I later learned is my primary "control drama"... as is referred to in the book The Celestine Prophecy.)
- I noticed elements of PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE-ness arise in conversation... sometimes with just a roll of the eyes. When pressed to elaborate... I wouldn't actually say anything at all, or I'd just answer with one word replies.
- Then, I'd notice my defiant behavior was childish and simply SURRENDER to the fact of the matter: This is just "WHO I AM". "I will ALWAYS be this way." (Poor me.)
- Being and staying in this phase became detrimental in my life, over and over again. It even led to the tearing apart of an otherwise incredible relationship. Ouch.
3) AWARENESS of other possibilities.
After wallowing helplessly in these two phases of [FRUSTRATION] --> [DEFIANCE/SURRENDER] for a while, and just noticing the discomfort, and overall suckyness of these phases... the next step is AWARENESS of other possibilities.
This is a KEY step.
Sometimes it seemed like I would never get out of this FRUSTRATION --> DEFIANCE --> SURRENDER cycle, laying helpless in the valley of surrender and RESIGNATION.
I got frustrated.
I got defiant at the world.
I beat myself up.
I got more depressed.
I just plain gave up.
How do I BREAK this cycle? How does this SURRENDER transition to AWARENESS of possibilities?
For me, it was first accepting that all parts of my behavior are trying to tell me something.
ALL of my emotions have some sort of positive intent... even the uncomfortable emotions.
So I would have to NOTICE and even APPRECIATE my own frustrated/defiant/surrendered stages??
Yup. To get OUT of a stage... first I need to notice myself IN it, then accept it for what it is, without judgement. .
Stay tuned, to learn about one of the models helped break me free!
