Accepting Your "Inner" Family.

One of my major recent discoveries has been that ALL parts of me... even the difficult to deal with parts... come from some sort of positive intent.

This was such a key part of trying to deal with my difficult self, so I'll repeat it again.

ALL parts of Me,

       ALL emotions that happen to Me,

ALL thoughts that happen to Me,

              ALL habitual behaviors that I find my body performing...

         come from some originally positive intent.

This is a position of self LOVE.  This was the first part of the puzzle for my regrowth.  Just assume it is true, for a minute and let yourself feel weird about it.

So when I have an outburst that embarrasses me...
                    
So when I act irrationally and then I mess up what I was doing...
                    
So when I feel an unproductive FEAR that stops me from advancing my life...
                    
So when I feel ANGER...
                    
So when I feel ANXIETY and I don't know where it comes from...
                    
So when I am stuck in PERFECTIONISM and PROCRASTINATION...
                    
So when I see myself thinking a thought that is really HURTFUL to someone else or feels SELFISH...
               
          ..... that all  comes from some "originally positive intent"???

Yes, that is exactly what I'm offering.

My first reaction to having "weird" thoughts and feelings and habitual behaviors, used to be that they are UNCOMFORTABLE so I would try to SUPPRESS them.  I would say things like:
         BUT that's not "ME".
         I HATE that thought.  
         That's not the "REAL ME".
         I need to REMOVE this fear.
         I need to KILL my procrastination.
         That thought was WRONG.
         This emotion is BAD.
         That is some UGLY thought/emotion/behavior that I need to hide / bury / fight against.

Many, many, many years of fighting against / hiding / suppressing / trying to kill those parts of me became detrimental my own emotional stability.  That lack of stability became detrimental to me and my relationships, especially my most cherished ones.

My friend helped me start the journey to open up that bag when she reminded me: YOU are not your THOUGHTS.  Your thoughts happen TO you.

This helped me disassociate "ME" with the (seemingly) DARK parts of me, which gave me some relief.  

I found it useful to think about it like this: You are the OBSERVING part of you, and everything else (stray thoughts/emotions/habitual behaviors) are your children.  So if you have an ugly emotion or thought and you try to shut it up, you are trying to shut up one of your own children, however annoying they might be acting.


The problem is you can't fully shut the child up, because every time you do, it only makes the child stronger or more stubborn than before.  The child begins to have louder outbursts at inopportune times and digs his heels in.

Think of a baby crying.  Think of a toddler being ornery. Think of a teen being emotional.  What would a calm, compassionate parent or grandparent do? 

While it may be true the child may be trying to express something in an unproductive way, the best way to deal with the child  is never to ignore him or try to shut him up.  (Parents, chime in here.  Am I right?)  That takes a direct hit to the child's self esteem.

The best way is to appreciate a child is to LISTEN to them, even if you, the observing adult, are super busy.  Make sure you express to them that they are IMPORTANT and what they have to say is IMPORTANT.  Assume your child has some positive intent.  Don't try to SUPPRESS or IGNORE or GET ANGRY at them, like I was doing. 

You see, even if you, the observing adult, find that the child is speaking up at inconvenient time or in a loud/obnoxious way... first assume positive intent.  Say things like:
        - "THANKS, buddy!"
        - "What you have to say is IMPORTANT."
        - "You are SAFE with me, I will not hurt you or suppress you."
        - "What you want is IMPORTANT and I understand you have some POSITIVE INTENT"
        - "I deeply and truly LOVE and APPRECIATE you."
        - "Later on I will listen to what you have to say, but right now, I choose to give this presentation (or whatever you're doing.)"

Then, later on, keep your word and listen to what that emotion might have been saying (by journaling or just meditating or whatever).

See, these children are parts of you, however uncomfortable that may be to accept.  You are working as a TEAM.  As you pump up his/her self esteem, you are pumping up YOUR OWN self esteem which:
         a) makes the child (thought/emotion/behavior) less stubborn.
         b) gives the entire "family" (you, the adult observer, and your children) more self-esteem.  And self esteem is a that emotional energy, which allows you to take action and find happiness.
         c) opens the door for potential learning.

When I associated an emotion or "guilty" thought or ingrained behavior as equal to ME, I would get angry at it and try to kill it off.  When I disassociated ME (the observing adult) from it (the childlike emotion/thought/behavior)... then I was finally able to stop beating up on myself, and have compassion.  Not only does this compassion help the uncomfortable emotion to dissolve, it also opens the door to learning and self trust.  

For example, what if that "childlike" emotion you (used to) suppress, was actually your "intuition" telling you something productive? 

Now, it might be difficult to appreciate a seemingly unproductive behavior in yourself all the time or even understand what it is trying to say.  It doesn't matter... as long as you don't SUPPRESS it.  One of the models that helped me identify the positive intent of my biggest "inner problem child" came to me through another set of models that I'll share with you in another article.