I am Responsible for ALL of My Failures.

From growing up all the way up until recently, I had a strangely dis-empowering belief.  Even as of the time when I am writing this article, I still haven't even fully dissolved the belief, but I would like to share it with you, even as I go through the process.

First... what is a belief?

A belief, to me, is any lens through which we perceive the world and outside events.  We cannot NOT (double negative ;) ) perceive the world through our beliefs.  As soon as we create them, we have to put them on, because that is the nature of being human.

As I see it, humans are meaning-generating machines.  It is a natural function of the human brain. And thankfully so.  There is SO MUCH data coming at us perpetually through all of our senses as well as our past / future correlating brain, that if we DIDN'T have some sort of glasses to look through, we simply wouldn't be able to function.

It might be like looking directly at a super-duper bright sun without having sunglasses on... it would burn up the receiving mechanism in an instant.

We create beliefs from the time we're born until the day we die, and we see the whole world through them every single day.

So, what would happen if you had the belief, a strong emotional belief, like  this:
            

I am responsible for MOST / ALL of my FAILURES, 

  but FEW / NONE of my SUCCESSES.

Well.  Let's take a look at it with respect to this learning curve that I introduced in an earlier post: link.  On this curve there is a downward half which I've labeled in RED and an upward half, I've labeled in GREEN:

 
Ok.  Cool.  This is a way of thinking about what phases one might go through when learning new things.

Now, what if someone at a very young age created the strong and emotional belief that I did?

How would the growth/learning curve look to me when I looked at the world through that lens?

Do you see that both sides of the curve are still there... but the difference is I only notice the failure half?  It feels like I FAILED, even though I'm learning.  I only feel the failure.  I only feel that I quit, even though I kept learning/growing.

Now imagine learning and growing for your entire school life, college life and beyond having that same belief:

If you had this belief and no one was there to help you correct your emotional belief... you would continue to feel all of the emotions of failure.  If you kept feeling those emotions of the failure and quitting over and over and over again, but your belief system wouldn't allow you to notice or feel your own victories... what might you deduce? 

I AM a FAILURE and a QUITTER.

Ouch.  That is a rough belief to create.  I know, from experience.  How can you be seemingly successful in life, but still be depressed?  Well, this is one of many ways. 

I have to tell you.  It was rough for me, my friend.  Very rough.  It drove me into a some deep dark depressions in my life.  And it hurt, it hurt so deeply, especially since I couldn't understand it or felt I couldn't talk about it.  You see, everyone around me thought... well what do YOU have to be depressed about?  

           And then I thought... yeah, what DO I have to be depressed about?  

               I am so lucky; Even though I keep "failing" and "quitting"...
                    the (something outside of me) keeps making me succeed for some reason.

                       And that made me feel GUILTY for being depressed.

                            And that GUILT made me more DEPRESSED and causes me to close up more.  

                                  And the downward emotional spiral continued...

Now, as I begin to uproot various self-esteem beliefs I created as a child, I am beginning to see the world differently.  For example, now I am more easily able to see that very same learning curve that I've been going through all my life in a new light:

How have I started to uproot childhood self esteem beliefs?  More on this to come!