no title yet.

 

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

 

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

 

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Seeing reality as real, and objective. with a spice of optimism.

Anyway.  No more words.  Let the pictures say what they will.  For now, at least.

I love you.

Listening to my Emotions

One of the greatest things that I've learned to do is to appreciate ALL of my emotions. 

     Grief and Joy.
         Anger and Contentment.
              Pleasure and Pain.
                   Worry and Excitement.
                         Embarrassment and Pride.
                              Disappointment and Relief.
                                   Love and Fear.

These emotions give color to life.  They give TEXTURE to everything we do.  Think of how much art and music and heroic acts are inspired by the whole spectrum of human emotions.  Think of your favorite song and the emotions that come up.  Think of a rough time in your life, and the emotions that were there.  Think of the emotions after you got through it.
 

I have started to enjoy the thrilling ride of ups and downs and all-arounds that they take me on... even when some parts are uncomfortable... I'm getting better at just enjoying the ride.

I used to think the "UP" emotions were the only good parts to life.  Now I think of both comfortable and uncomfortable emotions are two sides to the same coin.  I mean, think about it...Would your happiness seem as good, if you didn't have sadness as a reference point?  I see it like I see winter and spring.  If winter weren't so bitter cold and gray, sometimes I wonder if I'd appreciate the pleasant warmth and greens of spring as much.

I have started to think of my emotions as part of my team, rather than rowdy fans yelling profanities from the stands.  Sometimes, when an uncomfortable emotion comes up, I still feel that old conditioned part of me trying to suppress it... "KEEP IT DOWN in the STANDS!"  But, when this happens... I try to remind myself to "listen" to the emotion, like it might be a team adviser who noticed that the play I'm calling might need to be tweaked.

0) NOTICE the feeling without "judging" or trying to suppress it.  THANK it.
       - Just NOTICE it happening.
       - Be open & honest that it is there.
       - Perhaps even curious and welcoming.
       - This is the simplest, yet most crucial step.

1) Sit (or stand) up tall and BREATHE deeply.
       - Shoulders back & relaxed.
       - Chin level with ground
       - Put a slight smile on your face (corners of the mouth, corners of the eyes).
       - Deep diaphragm/stomach breathing.
       - Sometimes simply changing your physiology allows the emotion to dissolve or reduce.

2) Notice WHERE you feel it on your body. (still breathing)
       - I often feel emotions on the "top" of my stomach.
       - Sometimes I feel it on the back of my neck & top front of my shoulders.
       - Stick with it for a bit.  Keep bringing your awareness back to the location of the energy.
       - Keep breathing. 

3) What LABEL would you put on the emotion if you had to? (still breathing)
       - For example:
           - Is it more PAST oriented (regret, shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger)?
           - Is it more FUTURE oriented (fear, worry, anxiety)?
           - A mixture of BOTH?

4) Ask yourself: What MESSAGE do you have for me?  Listen for a message.  (still breathing)
       - Just start scribbling on scratch paper if you have it or talking to yourself.
       - See if you can find something positive.
       - What might the emotion be saying / telling you?
       - Often it will come from:
                > some need not being met (present/past related) or
                > some fear (future related).
       - You'll might sometimes realize that the yearn for the "flip-side" emotions (i.e. feel good ones) are the source of the emotion.  For example:
              > Self Love (feeling of well being - physical / emotional / security / basic needs taken care of)
              > Self Confidence (feeling of confidence/self-assurance / you are able to do what you need)
       - Ask the question, even if no answer comes to you.  Just asking will help dissolve the emotion.

5) FOCUS on the feel-good emotion for a bit. (still breathing)
       - What would it feel like if you had the missing need met, right now?  Let yourself pretend for a minute:
                      A full belly
                      Someone hugging you
                      An overflowing bank account
                      A peaceful drive to work
                      People being generally nice to you
                      Whatever NEED that is not being met
                      This is the SELF-LOVE, nurturing, "mothering" energy inside you.)

        - What would it feel like if you were COURAGEOUS and had the FAITH to ACT DESPITE all fears and worries?  Let yourself pretend for a minute:
                     What if you didn't care what everyone thought?
                     What if you could easily embrace all consequences & make decisions freely?
                     What if you could take action despite any fears or worries?
                     What if you were brimming with confidence in yourself?
                     This is the SELF-CONFIDENCE, protecting, "fathering" energy inside of you.
       - Sit and pretend with that emotion for a minute and let it wash over you.

6) Tell the feeling "Thank you (FEELING).  You are SAFE with me.  I love and appreciate you."  "P.S. I give you permission, for next time, to go quickly to the feel-good emotion."
       - Say it like a compassionate grandparent might say to a child.

In this way, listening to the emotion allows it to feel useful.  These emotions don't get buried, waiting, lurking to strike at you LOUDER at a different, perhaps more inopportune time.  Also, you are re-wiring your emotional circuitry to more quickly bring you to the POSITIVE source of your uncomfortable emotions.  Thereby, you'll gain more emotional stability and trust, and might even learn a thing or two from your emotional "advisers".

- - - - -
To Recap... this is one effective way I listen to my emotions:
0) NOTICE and THANK the emotion.
1) Stand/Sit up straight & BREATHE.
2) Ask: WHERE is it?   (+breathe)
3) LABEL it, if you can.   (+breathe)
4) Ask: What is your MESSAGE?    (+breathe)
5) Feel the flip side "positive" emotion  for a bit.   (+breathe)
6) Thank it.  Reassure it's safety.  Give it permission to fast forward directly to step 5 next time ;). 

I am Responsible for ALL of My Failures.

From growing up all the way up until recently, I had a strangely dis-empowering belief.  Even as of the time when I am writing this article, I still haven't even fully dissolved the belief, but I would like to share it with you, even as I go through the process.

First... what is a belief?

A belief, to me, is any lens through which we perceive the world and outside events.  We cannot NOT (double negative ;) ) perceive the world through our beliefs.  As soon as we create them, we have to put them on, because that is the nature of being human.

As I see it, humans are meaning-generating machines.  It is a natural function of the human brain. And thankfully so.  There is SO MUCH data coming at us perpetually through all of our senses as well as our past / future correlating brain, that if we DIDN'T have some sort of glasses to look through, we simply wouldn't be able to function.

It might be like looking directly at a super-duper bright sun without having sunglasses on... it would burn up the receiving mechanism in an instant.

We create beliefs from the time we're born until the day we die, and we see the whole world through them every single day.

So, what would happen if you had the belief, a strong emotional belief, like  this:
            

I am responsible for MOST / ALL of my FAILURES, 

  but FEW / NONE of my SUCCESSES.

Well.  Let's take a look at it with respect to this learning curve that I introduced in an earlier post: link.  On this curve there is a downward half which I've labeled in RED and an upward half, I've labeled in GREEN:

 
Ok.  Cool.  This is a way of thinking about what phases one might go through when learning new things.

Now, what if someone at a very young age created the strong and emotional belief that I did?

How would the growth/learning curve look to me when I looked at the world through that lens?

Do you see that both sides of the curve are still there... but the difference is I only notice the failure half?  It feels like I FAILED, even though I'm learning.  I only feel the failure.  I only feel that I quit, even though I kept learning/growing.

Now imagine learning and growing for your entire school life, college life and beyond having that same belief:

If you had this belief and no one was there to help you correct your emotional belief... you would continue to feel all of the emotions of failure.  If you kept feeling those emotions of the failure and quitting over and over and over again, but your belief system wouldn't allow you to notice or feel your own victories... what might you deduce? 

I AM a FAILURE and a QUITTER.

Ouch.  That is a rough belief to create.  I know, from experience.  How can you be seemingly successful in life, but still be depressed?  Well, this is one of many ways. 

I have to tell you.  It was rough for me, my friend.  Very rough.  It drove me into a some deep dark depressions in my life.  And it hurt, it hurt so deeply, especially since I couldn't understand it or felt I couldn't talk about it.  You see, everyone around me thought... well what do YOU have to be depressed about?  

           And then I thought... yeah, what DO I have to be depressed about?  

               I am so lucky; Even though I keep "failing" and "quitting"...
                    the (something outside of me) keeps making me succeed for some reason.

                       And that made me feel GUILTY for being depressed.

                            And that GUILT made me more DEPRESSED and causes me to close up more.  

                                  And the downward emotional spiral continued...

Now, as I begin to uproot various self-esteem beliefs I created as a child, I am beginning to see the world differently.  For example, now I am more easily able to see that very same learning curve that I've been going through all my life in a new light:

How have I started to uproot childhood self esteem beliefs?  More on this to come!

Accepting Your "Inner" Family.

One of my major recent discoveries has been that ALL parts of me... even the difficult to deal with parts... come from some sort of positive intent.

This was such a key part of trying to deal with my difficult self, so I'll repeat it again.

ALL parts of Me,

       ALL emotions that happen to Me,

ALL thoughts that happen to Me,

              ALL habitual behaviors that I find my body performing...

         come from some originally positive intent.

This is a position of self LOVE.  This was the first part of the puzzle for my regrowth.  Just assume it is true, for a minute and let yourself feel weird about it.

So when I have an outburst that embarrasses me...
                    
So when I act irrationally and then I mess up what I was doing...
                    
So when I feel an unproductive FEAR that stops me from advancing my life...
                    
So when I feel ANGER...
                    
So when I feel ANXIETY and I don't know where it comes from...
                    
So when I am stuck in PERFECTIONISM and PROCRASTINATION...
                    
So when I see myself thinking a thought that is really HURTFUL to someone else or feels SELFISH...
               
          ..... that all  comes from some "originally positive intent"???

Yes, that is exactly what I'm offering.

My first reaction to having "weird" thoughts and feelings and habitual behaviors, used to be that they are UNCOMFORTABLE so I would try to SUPPRESS them.  I would say things like:
         BUT that's not "ME".
         I HATE that thought.  
         That's not the "REAL ME".
         I need to REMOVE this fear.
         I need to KILL my procrastination.
         That thought was WRONG.
         This emotion is BAD.
         That is some UGLY thought/emotion/behavior that I need to hide / bury / fight against.

Many, many, many years of fighting against / hiding / suppressing / trying to kill those parts of me became detrimental my own emotional stability.  That lack of stability became detrimental to me and my relationships, especially my most cherished ones.

My friend helped me start the journey to open up that bag when she reminded me: YOU are not your THOUGHTS.  Your thoughts happen TO you.

This helped me disassociate "ME" with the (seemingly) DARK parts of me, which gave me some relief.  

I found it useful to think about it like this: You are the OBSERVING part of you, and everything else (stray thoughts/emotions/habitual behaviors) are your children.  So if you have an ugly emotion or thought and you try to shut it up, you are trying to shut up one of your own children, however annoying they might be acting.


The problem is you can't fully shut the child up, because every time you do, it only makes the child stronger or more stubborn than before.  The child begins to have louder outbursts at inopportune times and digs his heels in.

Think of a baby crying.  Think of a toddler being ornery. Think of a teen being emotional.  What would a calm, compassionate parent or grandparent do? 

While it may be true the child may be trying to express something in an unproductive way, the best way to deal with the child  is never to ignore him or try to shut him up.  (Parents, chime in here.  Am I right?)  That takes a direct hit to the child's self esteem.

The best way is to appreciate a child is to LISTEN to them, even if you, the observing adult, are super busy.  Make sure you express to them that they are IMPORTANT and what they have to say is IMPORTANT.  Assume your child has some positive intent.  Don't try to SUPPRESS or IGNORE or GET ANGRY at them, like I was doing. 

You see, even if you, the observing adult, find that the child is speaking up at inconvenient time or in a loud/obnoxious way... first assume positive intent.  Say things like:
        - "THANKS, buddy!"
        - "What you have to say is IMPORTANT."
        - "You are SAFE with me, I will not hurt you or suppress you."
        - "What you want is IMPORTANT and I understand you have some POSITIVE INTENT"
        - "I deeply and truly LOVE and APPRECIATE you."
        - "Later on I will listen to what you have to say, but right now, I choose to give this presentation (or whatever you're doing.)"

Then, later on, keep your word and listen to what that emotion might have been saying (by journaling or just meditating or whatever).

See, these children are parts of you, however uncomfortable that may be to accept.  You are working as a TEAM.  As you pump up his/her self esteem, you are pumping up YOUR OWN self esteem which:
         a) makes the child (thought/emotion/behavior) less stubborn.
         b) gives the entire "family" (you, the adult observer, and your children) more self-esteem.  And self esteem is a that emotional energy, which allows you to take action and find happiness.
         c) opens the door for potential learning.

When I associated an emotion or "guilty" thought or ingrained behavior as equal to ME, I would get angry at it and try to kill it off.  When I disassociated ME (the observing adult) from it (the childlike emotion/thought/behavior)... then I was finally able to stop beating up on myself, and have compassion.  Not only does this compassion help the uncomfortable emotion to dissolve, it also opens the door to learning and self trust.  

For example, what if that "childlike" emotion you (used to) suppress, was actually your "intuition" telling you something productive? 

Now, it might be difficult to appreciate a seemingly unproductive behavior in yourself all the time or even understand what it is trying to say.  It doesn't matter... as long as you don't SUPPRESS it.  One of the models that helped me identify the positive intent of my biggest "inner problem child" came to me through another set of models that I'll share with you in another article.

Part 2: Frustration to Surrender... to Awareness! -- (A Learning Curve)

Understanding that learning often follows a CURVE that includes feelings like FRUSTRATION and DEFIANCE helped me get out of my "stuck" state. 

At first I was IDEALISTIC: "I should ALWAYS be able to speak quickly and eloquently."

Ideals don't really exist in reality.  So, when you are idealistic and not aligned with the truth of reality.  Reality, the ultimate arbiter of the truth, then lays the smack down.

After getting smacked around realizing something was keeping me from expressing myself (as demonstrated by reality) I would get FRUSTRATED, which turned to DEFIANCE, and then SURRENDER, as I detailed in the earlier post "Part1: Frustration to Surrender".

It hurts to be in this state.  

       Especially if your self esteem is tied up in DOING things, like mine was.  

            Things seem hopeless: "I will NEVER be able to speak well / quickly." 

                      You might feel helpless.

But, then comes the -relief- known as AWARENESS.  If you are AWARE that frustration to surrender is an integral part of learning and growing... things start to get better. 

Let me say that again: FRUSTRATION / DEFIANCE / SURRENDER are INTEGRAL PARTS of LEARNING and GROWING!

In this case, this model of the learning curve helped me gain that awareness and feel better about myself even when I was on the "downward" side of the process.  [Note: I wish I remembered who came up with this model... if any of you know who came up with it, let me know in the comments section, so we can give credit where credit is due!]:

This was such an "AHA!" moment for me.  (Ah... Just bask in the "aha" moment for a second... feel it.  Appreciate it.  It is one of my favorite feelings.)

So, if you are feeling frustrated... embrace it.

           If you are feeling defiant... embrace it. 

                If you are feeling passive/aggressive or even feel you've quit/surrendered... embrace it.

Once you embrace it, you're more able to allow yourself to be CURIOUS and OPEN to the idea that you are right IN the growth/learning process!  APPRECIATE the uncomfortable feeling because growth could be around the corner!

Incidentally, once I get to this point (i.e., the AWARENESS that I am IN the learning process), and I embrace my feelings while they are happening to me, several times... I can then help myself accelerate from ANY of the uncomfortable stages directly to the curious & open minded AWARENESS stage.  (Sweet... a SHORTCUT!)

Now, just because you have a good "observing ego" and thus have gotten to AWARENESS of possibilities for growth, doesn't mean growth is just going to magically or automatically happen (...although it does increase your odds considerably).  The next step DECIDING to do something.  

Also, incidentally, getting to AWARENESS state doesn't mean you have to do something about it right now (or ever, for that matter)... it just opens the door for you... it gives you the option to become decisive, if you choose.   The area that of your life that you've "surrendered" to might just be something you don't care to change.

Becoming decisive is where identifying, re-framing or completely dissolving your limiting beliefs can come into play, which I will detail in another post.

Stay tuned! 

Part 1: Frustration to Surrender

I think one of the major ideas that has started allowing me even get ideas out ... is to accept my crazy RIGHT-brained, web-like thinking, as it is.

You see, for me, this WEB is my primary source of IDEA GENERATION.  

In a way, my LEFT-logical brain was beating the crap out of my RIGHT brain for not thinking "logically" or "sequentially" and that has been stopping me for so long.

Since prim/proper LEFTY sought perfect / witty / eloquent communication only, he was stifling RIGHTY whose strengths were in creativity and web-like idea generation.  Well, the truth is... it don't matter how good them werds gunna come out, if there ain't no werds TO come out!

So, to actively reconcile these brains, what's a kid to do?  Well, my journey started with noticing my emotions.

1) First for me came... FRUSTRATION.

   - FRUSTRATION!
   - I was FRUSTRATED that I couldn't express myself quickly or get ideas out "in the moment".
   - It was only when I walked AWAY from a conversation, that I realized what I wanted to say.
   - Not only that, but what I did say came out screwed up... sometimes even OPPOSITE of what I really meant.  Dang!
   - I had so little wit ... (that is, the ability to make quick / creative / eloquent / funny comments) and it FRUSTRATED me even more when others were so quick on the draw. 
   - I often stayed quiet, especially in arguments or heated discussions, rather than defend myself, and sometimes when I did say something impulsively ... it seemed to come out so wrong or backwards... only adding to my frustration. 


2) Then came DEFIANCE and RESIGNATION.

   - If I can't say anything good / right... I'll just not say anything at all! (Arms crossed.  Think stubborn young kid.)
   - Just QUITTING arguments or discussions all together and walking away.  I would simply leaving in the middle of a conversation and continuing to beat myself up afterwords for doing so.
   - Being defiantly ALOOF.  (Which I later learned is my primary "control drama"... as is referred to in the book The Celestine Prophecy.)
   - I noticed elements of PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE-ness arise in conversation... sometimes with just a roll of the eyes.  When pressed to elaborate... I wouldn't actually say anything at all, or I'd just answer with one word replies.  
   - Then, I'd notice my defiant behavior was childish and simply SURRENDER to the fact of the matter: This is just "WHO I AM".  "I will ALWAYS be this way."  (Poor me.) 
   - Being and staying in this phase became detrimental in my life, over and over again.  It even led to the tearing apart of an otherwise incredible relationship.  Ouch.


3) AWARENESS of other possibilities.

After wallowing helplessly in these two phases of [FRUSTRATION] --> [DEFIANCE/SURRENDER] for a while, and just noticing the discomfort, and overall suckyness of these phases... the next step is AWARENESS of other possibilities.  

This is a KEY step. 

Sometimes it seemed like I would never get out of this FRUSTRATION --> DEFIANCE --> SURRENDER cycle, laying helpless in the valley of surrender and RESIGNATION.
                I got frustrated.
                      I got defiant at the world.
                              I beat myself up. 
                                   I got more depressed.
                                        I just plain gave up.


How do I BREAK this cycle?  How does this SURRENDER transition to AWARENESS of possibilities?
    For me, it was first accepting that all parts of my behavior are trying to tell me something.
        ALL of my emotions have some sort of positive intent... even the uncomfortable emotions.
            So I would have to NOTICE and even APPRECIATE my own frustrated/defiant/surrendered stages??
                 Yup. To get OUT of a stage... first I need to notice myself IN it, then accept it for what it is, without judgement.  .


Stay tuned, to learn about one of the models helped break me free!

BRAIN -[disconnect to]- MOUTH!?

My BRAIN sometimes thinks in a random web-like way,
     while my MOUTH feels like it shouldn't talk until all thoughts are in a straight line. 

For my idea-generating brain: 
      (one idea) --makes me think of --> (another sometimes partial idea) --which makes me think of--> (another, interesting, sometimes related, but not always partial idea) --which might bring me back to--> (the original idea) and so on.  All over the map.
      Also, this brain thinks in PICTURES and feelings a lot.  

Then, my very communication brain seeks sequential logical communication:
         1. introduction
         2. first point
         3. next point
         4. next point
         5. conclusion
     This brain feels the need to communicate in logic, order, and words.  

As an example, the sequence in which I wrote this article so far has NOT been in order (not even nearly close to it).  I have revised many times, and even published it several times before going back and getting it out the way "I meant."  Where "it makes sense now."  Even then it seemed "not perfect," but I pushed passed that anyway. 

This (web-like, partial, high-volume) thoughting process [conflicting with] my mouth's strive for (sequential, complete, eloquence) was one of the MAJOR things that caused me to stifle my self-expression as a child.

It is an interesting struggle that has caused a BRAIN --[disconnected to]-- MOUTH scenario for a lot of my life.  After all: "Why say anything at all if it's not going to make sense?"

How have I began to reconcile my BRAIN?  More on this soon to come.

Until then.